Incoherent Psycho Babble
by siriuscos
Summary: Tittle says it. This is Draco Malfoy's 'Journal' so to speak. Collection of thoughts by him. Please R
1. August 6, 1997

August 6, 1997

My father is in Azkaban and I found that I was neither happy nor disappointed by that. It doesn't shock me that I felt that way. I do not love my father, exactly, just respect him. More like a business partner I figure. I don't mind, father said that showing _love _was weak. It made me think. If that's true, then he doesn't really love my mother, just respects her. It makes sense, I figure. 

I don't long for the life of love and caring. I never had it so I can't miss it. People are meant to live the certain ways, I figure. I cannot choose to be the way I am, exactly. Sure there are things that I believe people have a choice on, but it's all nonsense to me. Sure Granger didn't choose to be a mudblood, but she has a choice on how she wants to act or actually be. I can't help but think about how it might have been if I didn't have the family I do. That makes it seem as if I have doubt when I don't, none at all. But everyone has curiosity, just because I'm a Malfoy doesn't mean I don't; everyone does. I just wonder if I had been placed somewhere else, hot I might be. Would I be like Potter? That thought just plain sickens me. Potter works in strange ways, hard to guess how he'll be next. But I don't care. And yet I still wonder. My thoughts on that never cease. I will forever be wondering what life would be like if something, just one small thing, had changed. I don't mind. Sometimes I believe I think too much for my own good. I find that sometimes that's a bad thing. Other times it seems better. Now Granger, That's a girl, if you could call her that, that thinks way too much in all situations. It almost seems as if she'd die if she weren't the best at everything. It's bloody annoying. That is something that can change. Maybe is she did, you know, die; the world would be a better place. See, now that brings me back to my original thought. Do I have to be the way I am? Yes, I do. There wouldn't be any other way. I haven't known anything else. I am me, Draco Malfoy, the way I am was meant to be. See I come to this conclusion every time, yet I always keep thinking of it. It plagues my mind, but who bloody cares? As long as I haven't spoken this, I am safe. I'm always safe, so it seems. Though, I don't feel that way. Life is life. I can't change it. Not that I want to change anything about it. Every teenager has thoughts about not wanting the family that they have. I didn't say that I wanted a change, but it doesn't hurt anyone to think.

On another note, school starts in a few weeks. Personally, I don't care. I neither like school nor hate it. I found no reason to hate it, except for the Gryffindors, but it's fun to torture them all the same. How I see it is if there were no Gryffindors, Hogwarts would be so much better. 

It never fails; I always find a way to be cruel. It's actually quite fun, but _fun_ is no reason to do something. Self-gain is, according to my father. Though, everything is about personal gain with him. I don't exactly agree with him, but nor do I disagree. I personally believe that a little personal gain mixed with a little fun can actually be quite pleasing. Father would never listen to that, though. He believes he's correct about everything and if he is wrong, he gets all, well, angry. Personally, I believe he is like a very _mean _version of Granger. If he heard me say that, if would be a night full of pain for me, but he's not here, not at all. 

That's a shocking freedom I've never really had. It's a good freedom. Though I still much watch what I do, but at least I don't have that man hounding me about every thing. For I am, a teenager and I do want some freedom to do things.

Lafayette, the cat my father never wanted, seems to be the only thing here that is oblivious to the tension in this house, care free, not afraid to do whatever. The life of a cat seems so much simpler than any other creature on this planet. I sound so childish when I think about this, but they are just thought. It's not as if I want all this.

Pansy actually flooed me the other day. I wish she wouldn't have. She's a bright girl, but when I come home, it's meant for me to get away from school and the people involved in it. She actually believed I was mourning my father's absence. I do not miss him. I do not love him so I cannot miss him. For being so bright, she was rather daft. Anyone should see this. But everyone is entitled to being daft once in a while. She said "Draco stop being tough and admit it!" I had nothing to admit.

It angers me to see that she didn't believe me. But I shouldn't expect much more from her. She believes there is _love_. I don't. I believe there is physical attraction. Well, err, mental too I figure. O ver heard someone say that liking another was like having a friend, just more so. But I can't help but not believe that. First I don't exactly know if I have friends, so I doubt that concept would work for me. And then there is that whole. _Your only love springs from your only hate_. If that were true, Oh I hate to think the thought, but fate says that if that were true, I'd like the mudblood or the weasel. Okay I just made myself sick. I need to go **_wash_** my mouth out, _somehow. _

~Draco. A. Malfoy 


	2. August 9, 1997

August 9, 1997

My mum left this morning. She told me it was business she had to finish, but I know she went to see father. She should know better, but hell she will do what she wants to. I'm not about to step in the way of my mother if she actually believes she loves him. Sure I'll freely say right now my mother is being very daft, but that's because I don't want to deal with her when she gets home. She'll probably come home sad and not eat dinner. I don't mind, it just means I have a quiet dinner here at last. Without the screaming, the arguing, or the bloody house elves saying they'll go smash their ears in an oven. I personally think they should cook them selves one by one in the oven and get out of my house. Nothing but a nuisance they are. At least they are better than that mudblood I have to go to school with. I saw her today in Diagon Alley and nearly lost my lunch. She thinks she knows everything. You just want to hit her over the head with a book and tell her to shut her mouth, though she'd probably enjoy being hit over the head with a book. Bloody mudblood needs to know how to stay out of my way. She'll learn she's not welcome in this world that's for sure. I don't know why we even accept them here. Dumbledore seems fine by that, but he's a mudblood-loving freak along with the Weasel's family and Potter. Just thinking about them makes me angry. As I've said before, Hogwarts and the Wizarding world would be so much better with out them.

I bought my schools supplies though. It's not like it was that hard. I went in said I was a Malfoy and I nearly got everything half price, while the git next to me stood there searching for enough money to buy one lousy book. 

Makes me wonder, would I wish for the money I have if I lived in poverty like that kid does? Bloody hell, I would put myself out of misery if I had to live like the Weasley and have no money. Sure I may not like my father as a father or my mother much as a mother, but I do like what I got from having them be my parents. I'm thankful for what I have and Merlin knows I wouldn't have it any other way. Money is money, but I sure do like it. 

I got an owl from a friend of my fathers this morning as well. He wants my mother and I to attend a ball, though I know it would more like a friendly gathering. Most likely friend and family of his as well. I haven't told mother. She took off before I could mention it to her. I don't know if I will. I don't feel like being dragged to some bloody gathering and explain why my father is in Azkaban when everyone knows why. They are just like Pansy, they expect me to put on a face and get all teary eyed about it. Malfoys do not cry and Malfoys do not get sad. Screw my father for getting caught I don't bloody care. He can't rot in there. He's the one that had no brains in that situation. That felt good actually. I should try that more often, Merlin knows I haven't the air to do it when my mother or father, _like that will ever happen,_ are home. 

Anyway, I should be going. I am expecting guests for tea. Mother arranged it so I might as well put on a good show. Besides, mother should be home shortly and I haven't the time to go gallivanting around like a normal teenager should do. I have to make up for the shoddy work my so-called father, Lucius Malfoy, did to my name. Disgrace that man is right now, just a bloody disgrace to the Malfoy name. 

~_Draco A. Malfoy_


	3. August 28, 1997

August 28, 1997

-– 10:39am

I must say that the _get together_ a week or so agowasn't as bad as I thought it would be. Mother and I talked with a few of fathers friends, which I would say was my least favorite part of the whole event, but I did get to see a few of my old friends again. Though I haven't seen them since I was eight and I had something in life to live for and I thought that things were much more exciting back then, it was still _nice, _if one could say that, to see old faces again.

On another note school actually does start in a matter of days and I will be head boy. A great amount of responsibility, but the chance to take points away and give and detention, not that I didn't have the chance to do that before, but now I get to do it for the fact I have the head boy title. That's one thing the muggle loving nutter that's head of the school got right. It allows me to torture the stupid _Golden Trio _to a larger extent. And here I thought that Dumbledore would give such a title to his favorite, Potter.

Though I am sure that the title of head girl went to the mudblood. No doubt about that there. She may be a very smart witch indeed, but she's a mudblood. Besides she's got her knickers so tightly wound that Hogwarts will be turned into some prison. Well more than it is anyway, but with her as head girl I think all fun will be sucked out of that school the minute she steps in. I _will_ make sure that she does not ruin my last year with her prissy, know-it-all attitude.

'Til later.

_-Draco A. Malfoy _

-- 6:55pm

I went to Diagon Alley today, I had to pick up some more things for school, and saying that I had a good time would be an understatement. Granger was there by herself, I guess her boys had something better to do than to hang around such a square. Anyway, I decided that I would follow her into the book store, seeing as I had to buy some books anyway. It's very interesting to see her get angry, she gets red in the face, which makes an ugly girl look worse by giving her the lobster look.

My fun was cut short when Potter and the Weasel came in and leaving it there would have just so unlike me so I did what anyone in my place would have done. I tortured them the whole time they were looking at books, tripping Weasel up the stairs and stealing the book that granger wanted. All is fair in fun and games. Not sure if that's the way it actually goes, but I couldn't care less. It fits just now anyway.

I did have to leave my fun to buy my books and deciding that I should spend a little more money of the tons I have I bought myself a new owl. Fathers old eagle owl just doesn't suit me anymore. Kina, the owls name is. I named her myself. She's a very beautiful snowy owl, but the black spots scattered throughout her white plumage were a lot more defined and there was a lot more than Potters annoying one. A very expensive owl indeed, but worth all of it. Mother didn't freak when I bought her either, not that it would have mattered.

All in all the four or fives days until school starts should pass without a problem and then a whole new type of enjoyment. And of course I can use magic, now that father isn't around I will be caught if I use magic. Father had an agreement, but that all died when he wasn't sent to rot in prison.

'Til another day,

_-Draco A. Malfoy_


	4. September 1, 1997

September 1, 1997 I am currently sitting on the train waiting for the other students to board it so we can all get on our way. My mother didn't ride with me to the train station, but chose to keep herself locked up in her room. She is in absolute pieces because of Lucius and she is beginning to show some very unhealthy signs. She is getting quite thin; she looks so ill that I always feel I could snap her in half just looking at her. I have paid for Orlando to take her out for a while, get some well-deserved fresh air. I know I have said I never cared for my mother as one, but I am no longer sure if that is true. These past few days have had me worried. I try not to think about it because she says she's quite fine, but I swear I will tear Lucius into pieces if I have to end up putting my mother into St. Mungos because she started to lose her mind after he left. It will only taint my name even worse than it already has been. As it is I have a hard time going out into the Wizarding world without witches and wizards of all types staring me down like I will snap and just start murdering people right there on the street corner. I know my father never showed these people any thing different then that, but I am no Sirius Black. I sent Kina out this morning to take a letter to one of my good friends Alyson. She's been my number one childhood friend. After that ball I got to see a lot more of her and I don't mind it so much. She's a very bright girl and of course pureblood. It's a strange feeling to like someone, but I am not yet sure and I will not use her like I have done to members of the female population in the past. Truth be told I never once used a lady for sexual purposes. I find it demeaning and absolutely disgraceful. I don't believe the female population is always useful, but I will not stand for mistreatment like that. I find myself thinking a lot more than I wish. I continue to think about my future and this year at Hogwarts. I continue to think about what will happen to Alyson and if I could really be lucky enough to feel love after not knowing it for this long. It bothers me slightly that I can't cease my thoughts, I can't make them go away and I don't even know why I think such things either. I feel lost suddenly. The freedom I have been given is great, but I suddenly feel really lost. I am wondering what I am going to do and I am wondering where I will be going. My mother seems to have gotten to me more than I wished her to. She lectures me constantly about it, now that I am her number one provider. The freedom I was absolutely adoring earlier has more sides than I figured. It has caught me around the neck and will continue to strangle me until I can breathe no more. It showed me what I never had and now as so brutally thrown me into adulthood. Well I guess that will be all for now before someone comes into my compartment and finds me writing. This book holds more true thoughts and feelings that I never knew I could feel inside the pages and it would be hell if anyone found it. "Comme l'horloge sonne douze j'offrez-vous bonne nuit" Draco A. Malfoy Author Note: To whom ever asked, the A in Draco's name is because I completely felt like having his middle initial be that letter. In fact I think that JK Rowling confirmed it started with an A, but I can't be for certain. I hope you all enjoyed. More will be coming soon. I find it strange that I can write Draco, a seventeen year old bad boy better than I can write myself. 


End file.
